Big Sister

People often say that you never know what is going to happen in life and that you should live every moment like it’s your last.  Parents often wonder if they raised their children right and prepared them for the great big world and they very rarely have confirmation that they’ve done a good job. That is until the child realizes it’s too late.  As a big sister I’ve often wondered if I’ve been a good influence to by younger siblings, especially the two that are so much younger than me.  My brother and sister are eleven years younger than me and were pretty young when I was going through my teenage years and my “learning phase” so I’ve often asked myself if they paid attention to anything that I did during those years. Sometimes I hoped they didn’t but others I hope they did.  The summer of my sophomore year, the one before junior year, in high school a friend of mine, a really good friend of mine, killed himself.  There were a ton of rumors about why and about the drugs that he was using.  But the fact still remains that when I was sixteen (16) I lost someone my age.  That’s a life changing event and something that you always remember.  Of course he wasn’t the first person I lost, my aunt died a few years before that and my grandfather died a couple of years before that. But he was the first teenager I knew who had died.  How do you answer the questions that rage through a teen’s mind when something like that happens, when suicide comes into your little perfect world? Honestly, I don’t know and I don’t think my mom knew either.  It was a learning experience for both of us.  But I do know one thing, she was there for me and her shoulder was good place for me to cry on.  Well I went on to graduate and then lost another friend, only this one was to cancer and a cancer that no one knew about until it was too late.  So in my formative years I lost two good friends to things I didn’t understand.  These experiences helped me in life and taught me that you should never take life for granted.  I guess in a way they made me grow up faster.  So when my sister was sixteen she too lost a friend, only he died in a car wreck, one that could’ve been avoided.  When my brother was sixteen, he too lost a friend in an avoidable car wreck.  More recently my brother, at the age of eighteen, lost a friend to suicide.  Those are tough experiences and since I’ve been there I know exactly what they are going through and I can offer the only advice I know how.  Drive carefully and life is never as bad as it seems to be.  As a big sister one of the greatest things in life I think you can experience is watching your younger siblings achieve greatness and wish for the stars. My not much younger brother is married and has a step-son and I can see that he has some growing to do but I can see that he wants to be a good husband and good dad.  I think he’ll get there. He’s done a lot of growing and maturing, I see some of my influence on him but he’s really been his own person and always a rebel. My sister is reaching for the stars in college and embracing life.  I often ask myself if I had any influence on her because we lived in two different households, but then there are times when I see it, just a glimmer, something I said or did sunk in.  Now my youngest brother is a senior in high school and racing towards that finish line. He’ll get there, I can see it.  He wants to play baseball and has since he was little. I have every faith that he will play.  With him I figure that I had some influence on him because we did live in the same house.  However as he approached his teenage years it became questionable.  But looking back I see that yeah something I said or did, stuck.  He told me recently that if baseball doesn’t work out, he wants to teach and coach baseball.  I asked him what he planned on majoring in when he got to college, figuring he wouldn’t know.  He told me secondary education.  I couldn’t believe it and told him how proud I was of him.  Both he and my sister are FAR ahead of me in that field.  They both know what they want to do and are reaching for those dreams. I on the other hand didn’t figure it out until AFTER I graduated high school and started working.  But hey, maybe that means they are learning from me.  With the tragedies that those two have faced and will face they are bursting through stronger and more focused than I ever did and I can honestly say that I have never been more proud.  Of course they have a ways to go before they reach total maturity, but don’t we all.  And they are still young and I’m hoping that they are paying attention to the good decisions that I am making and learning from my mistakes.  They’re still going to make mistakes, that’s what life is about, learning and growing.  But I’ll be there, to be that shoulder for them to cry on, lean on or boost them above the crowd.   Because, hey I’m their big sister and their biggest fan.