Stuck

I fear I am stuck.  Stuck in a place that I can’t get out of because I have no desire to try.  Stuck in a place that I fear I may never try to get out of because it is comfortable and I don’t want to test the waters.  I really want to move forward but I’m stuck.  The thing that probably causes me to be stuck in this place is my fear of the unknown. Not fear of a challenge but the unknown.  What if I go out there and nothing happens. Or worse what if I go out there and something does happen and I fail.  This is not something that I look forward to; I do not like to fail.  This probably explains a lot about me. Why when I was in high school I took 5 math classes when I only needed 3 to graduate, 4 sciences when I only needed 3 to graduate.  Yet when I got to college took only the amount that I needed to graduate b/c I knew college math and science was harder than high school (as it should be).

I want desperately to get my PhD but I am not pushing myself towards it.  I guess it’s along those same lines. I fear I will fail at it so I don’t pursue it.  I make excuses. I dream of making it instead of actually trying to make it.  So please explain to me why I can’t seem to move forward. It’s like I’m stuck in cement with no one to help break me out.   I need the motivation to move forward. Maybe losing weight will be that motivation that I need.  Maybe moving in with Misty’s mom will help lessen the money stress that I feel every time I think about going back to school.  I mean getting a PhD is gonna cost some money and I already owe a HUGE amount in student loans.  I just want to move forward and begin teaching and writing.  I don’t really know what is stopping me from writing.  The resources are there all I have to do is start.  Maybe I’m afraid people will laugh and tell me I can’t do it.  Maybe I believe I can’t do it.  I seriously need some motivation.

I hate being stuck.