miss you

 I miss you so much sometimes that words cannot express how much I miss you. I think of something that i want to tell you and then it hits me that you aren’t there in person to hear it and it hurts that I can’t say it to your face. It hurts so bad sometimes that I can’t breath.  You were my light when it was cloudy and I’ve had some really cloudy days lately and I miss my light. I know you are in a better place but that doesn’t stop me from being selfish and wanting you here.  I love you.

I'm not your parent

There so many thoughts running through my head right now I don't know where to begin. I know I haven't been the best sister with keeping in touch with my siblings but I do try and I guess the reason I don't try so hard with the youngest two is b/c when I do try to communicate with them, in a form they understand, text....they ignore it or don't respond. So I stop trying to talk to them.  I know they're young and active and have a lot going on, but COME ON! I'm your sister for pete sakes! Don't act like I haven't been there and done that too. Geesh! I'm not going to parent the things you do b/c hey you have parents. I'm your older sister and I'm just trying to look out for you but how do I know to look out for you, defend you, protect you, yell at you, laugh with you, or be proud of you if you WON'T TALK TO ME! UGH!  I can't do my job as a big sister if you won't let me and I'm the type of person that I'll only try so many times before I just give up and leave you on your own.  Then when you come crying to me about a problem that I could've helped you with, I'll tell you it's too late just to see what you do.  In general this would work, as its called tough love, and I may try that, I just don't know if it would work in this case. especially my sister b/c she is tooooooo much like me (in looks and attitude) and I know she would just be like well screw you too. and that's not what I want. I just want them to understand that by leaving me out and acting like I'm a parent and not their sister, they are hurting me. Yeah I'm 10-11 years older than they are but I do still remember what it was like when I was their age and I remember the total dumb ass mistakes i made and wish i could go back and redo them b/c while there are some dumb things i wouldn't do over, there are plenty i would.  I just want the opportunity to be their friend now that they are at the ages where i don't feel like i have to watch what i do or say around them.  it just hurts that I've lived my life a certain way for so long for them b/c i wanted to set a good example for them and it feels like they still see me as the responsible one who doesn't know how to have fun and who will tell dad (or mom) what they've done. i like to have fun, hell I've done things that they don't know about and can laugh about them now, but i know when enough is enough.
i don't know what I'm saying. too many random things jumbling together.

I love my brothers and sister, i do, but sometimes they drive me to drink.

Turbo-Charged Cheetah??

So I got an email that had a link to play an addictive game.  The point of the game is to see how fast your reflexes are in shooting tranquilizer dart at stray sheep.  If you jump the gun there is a 3 second penalty which will inevitably put you in the slowest category.  There are 5 categories of speed: Sluggish Snail, Ambling Armadillo, Bobbing Bobcat, Rocketing Rabbit and Turbo-Charged Cheetah.  Each name is an obvious description of what your reflex speed was during that game.  And let me tell you it gets addictive because you want to try to be the Turbo-charged Cheetah, I got close one time with a speed of .1906 seconds, I was the Rocketing Rabbit.

This game got me thinking about life. Or better yet the speed categories got me thinking about life.  How often do we go through life at a sluggish pace? Just barely getting by, making no changes and no effort to make things better until things get to be too late.  In fact because we have been going along at a “sluggish snail” pace our reflexes are down and our problems catch us and overwhelm us.  Thus causing us to go at an even slower pace and almost just stopping and giving up.  Don’t get me wrong there are days when you should go slow and just enjoy being alive and stop and smell the roses, nothing wrong with that. The problem is when one day becomes a week, then a month, then a year and then before you know it, 5 years are gone and the whole world comes crashing in on you. 

So instead of going through life at a sluggish pace, would going through it as a “turbo-charged cheetah” be any better?  I mean because in that situation you would going through life facing each problem head on and therefore they would have no way of sneaking up on you and surprising you.  You would actually have a jump start and be really quick.  The problem I see with that situation is the fact that because you are going through life so focused on solving problems or potential problems that you overlook the little things in life and you bring more stress on yourself.  So what is the best method?

For me, the best method is the Bobbing Bobcat (which I have to say I averaged on the game, coincidence????).  The theory here is that the “bobbing bobcat” is quick in some instances by solving problems as they appear efficiently and then moving on and in other instances the “bobcat” is slow in solving problems that need more effort and concentration.  In this case you are able to focus solely on solving the difficult problem while also paying attention to potential problems.  The “bobbing bobcat” is able to stop and smell the roses in life and knows to appreciate each day and the journey, knows that life isn’t a race but also understands that there are times when speed is a necessity.  This is a happy medium. Or at least in my opinion it is. I don’t think we need to race through life and trying to solve problems that aren’t even an issue yet. I’m not saying I don’t think we shouldn’t anticipate potential problems, but thinking that in every situation there is going to be a problem will surely send you to your grave early b/c of the stress that puts on you.  I also don’t think that you should just let life happen to you while you just get through it.  If that’s the way you are living life then yeah you are going to be unhappy.  Same goes for going through life too fast, you don’t have time to enjoy the fruits of your labor and of course you aren’t happy, you may say you are b/c you have everything but you really aren’t happy. 

Of course I’m not saying this is about everybody or even anybody. This is just a theory that I have and agree with after seeing many people in each situation.  Of course I think I’m in the middle ground with a tendency to slide towards “Ambling Armadillo” but that’s something I can work on b/c I have brought it to my attention.  I by no means am perfect or have the solution to life or how to make you happy.  I just know what makes me happy and most of the time, it’s the simple things.  Playing with my puppy, talking to my best friend, watching my brother play baseball, having a cup of coffee with my dad, hanging out with my mom or my sister, these things put a smile on my face and bring me so much joy. 

My family means so much to me and is a HUGE factor in my happiness.  But that’s another issue I’m working on, cause they shouldn’t be the sole factor of my happiness.  Like I’ve said in the past I’m a work in progress and while I’m working on me and come up with theories I’ll help you work on you. ;)

Till next time,

Court

P.S. I've posted the link to the game so you can give it a try!

http://www.addictinggames.com/sheepreactiontest.html